It's Not How Fast You Grind, It's Who You Grind

Italian prosecutors have ended the seven-year trial of a German NGO rescue boat crew by the quaint expedient of admitting straight out that there is no evidence against them. This technicality went unnoticed until now thanks to the indisputable heinousness of the crew's conduct, which included endangering some fourteen thousand jobs and conspiring to dilute the heritage of the master race. In response the Italian government pumped money into the Libyan coastguard, which has done so much to help matters in the Mediterranean ever since Britain's glistening pink Head Boy helped bomb the country into freedom. The crew was bugged, and other crews were infiltrated with government spies; while others suspected of fraternising with the migrant hordes have been reporting levels of threat and harassment worthy of the British scumbag press. On the bright side, the rescue boat crew have endured seven years of stress and defamation; and thousands who might otherwise have been rescued will have drowned or been forcibly removed to somwehere most of His Majesty's Government probably wouldn't know from Rwanda. Whether prosecutors will be permitted to re-start the wheels of justice turning all over again on the basis of new non-evidence remains as yet unclear.