Scattered Marbles

Lord Frost of Lesser Brexitannia has declared himself in favour of returning the Parthenon Marbles to Greece. However, before panic ensues lest Lord Frost's having said something sensible provoke the imminent collapse of our present reality, let the reader be assured that Lord Frost's version of returning the marbles does nothing so sensible as just returning the marbles. To begin with, Lord Frost wants the marbles returned as a one-off gift, because obviously returning stolen property is an act of generosity; the Parthenon Marbles are not, after all, ghastly human foreigns working and paying tax thanks to some horrid freedom of movement. Again, as befits a negotiator for the National Johnson, Lord Frost does not fall into the delusion that might beset a mere native speaker of Standard English and regard a gift as something that is given: Lord Frost's gift would come at a price to the recipients, who would have to promise never to mention the matter again; and also to the Germans, the Austrians, the French and the Danes, who would also have to repatriate those parts of the marbles in their possession; and also to former colonies such as Nigeria, who would have to understand that gifts from the master race need to be earned. Lord Frost would also require the Greeks to send items from their own museums to be privatised by British entrepreneurs, and take part in closer diplomatic and cultural relations of the kind that were utterly taboo and forbidden under the yoke of the Strasbrussels dictatorship. Whether Lord Frost's diplomacy in this matter will meet with the same success as his negotiations for British independence remains as yet unclear.