The Sun Will Be Darkened

Some of the more godly states of Murca are to be shrouded in a darkness not merely moral, and not merely once but twice over the next few months. A partial solar eclipse will be visible in parts of Oregon and Texas this weekend, and a total eclipse will appear in thirteen states on 8 April. While scientists occupy themselves with the merely physical and theoretical, humbler natives will undoubtedly be considering what message their God has been cooking up for them since the beginning of time. Indubitably it will involve commandments to make Murca great again, and smash the heathen, and prepare for Judgement, and hate the sin while pestering the sinner. Very likely the "ring of fire" effect resulting from Saturday's eclipse will also incorporate much useful information about the perils of abortion, sexually-transmitted diseases and the indiscreet placing of certain appendages into morally reprehensible orifices. Let's hope nobody misunderstands.