Gloves Off

Voracious Heathen Chinee crustaceans are depleting the racial purity of Britain's native fauna. The mitten crab, whose Fu Manchu fingernails are insidiously cloaked in a silken covering, has been eating its way through Lincolnshire's salmon, shrimp and trout almost as calamitously as if it were human. Fortunately a hostile environment is being prepared, with specially designed river accommodation and a website where members of the public can exercise their vigilance. Crabs with insufficient cunning to avoid the traps will be frozen and dissected rather than herded and deported, so they can consider themselves to have been jolly leniently dealt with.