Natational Johnson

Not content with having defied the laws of country, veracity and decency, the former National Johnson has now taken it upon himself to violate Bertie Wooster's dictum that sex and newts should be mutually exclusive passions. The Johnson, who lives in Oxfordshire with a comparatively recent wife and three of his acknowledged offspring, is trying to keep up with the Sunaks by installing a swimming pool, but has been hindered by the local authority's bureaucratic concern for a neighbouring population of great crested newts. Having previously fulminated against species less protected than himself, the Johnson has now pledged, in no less an organ of truth than the Rothermere Daily Stürmer, to do whatever it takes to protect the animals. Thanks to the Johnson's half-century of truth-telling and promise-keeping, that seems to be good enough for South Oxfordshire district council; so it is to be hoped that the newts will not be excessively traumatised by the prospect.