Peace Envoy

Consternation has bloomed upon consternation with the emergence of rumours that the National Haystack is planning, as far as anyone in the modern Conservative Party can be said to plan anything, on attending the climate summit in Egypt. Not only is the Government all of a tizzy over the possibility of incurring a moral rebuke from so voluble a source, but nobody seems to know whether, or in what capacity, the great man will in fact toddle along. With his famous capacity for detail and forward thinking, no doubt the National Johnson is similarly uninformed; but in this situation there are surely even better grounds for Conservative unity than shared ignorance, dread and denial. Given that both Fishy Rishi and King Charles the Pentulant have better things to do - the former is preoccupied with party management and poor-kicking, the latter apparently with retaining his position as the only person in the country to have obeyed Liz Truss for longer than seven weeks - it would seem that a sensible compromise might lie in sending someone who combines the worst traits of both.