Another Day, Another Eye-Beam

A mere thirteen years after its botched attempt at a whitewash, Britain's established church has produced an internal review of abuse cases with the results we have come to expect. Despite being British and headed by a member of the royal family, the Church suffers from (or, in Standard English, inflicts suffering through) a "culture of deference, inertia, misogyny, protectionism and victim-blaming." The review uncovered almost four hundred new cases of muscular Christianity against children and vulnerable adults; and even went so far as to criticise the Church's misogyny, sexism and gay-baiting - the latter of which has, mirabile dictu, just been resoundingly re-affirmed as a central guiding principle. Naturally, the review elicited an ostentatious clamour of contrition from those representing the Deity who sat back on His throne and let it all take place; and any surviving victims who demand a more material form of compensation will doubtless be hearing a good deal about the Christian virtue of turning the other cheek.