Flush With Freedom

Now that Britain's independence from the filthy Euro-wogs has liberated Her Majesty's Government to impose ever more rigorous rules for the protection of sewage-dumping moisture provision profiteers, it is of course necessary to take measures ensuring that mere evidence knows its place and falls into line with ministers' boasting about world-beating environmental standards and the supreme cleanliness of the master race. The last set of tests to be forced upon us by the Strasbrussels dictatorship gave a characteristically unpatriotic showing, and even a parliamentary committee was moved to mention the damage caused by plastic and agricultural pollution. Hence, in a nearly unprecedented instance of joined-up thinking, the Conservatives and their little orange accomplices have systematically de-funded the Environment Agency over the past decade: a policy which has conveniently coincided with river-water tests declining from a hundred thousand samples in 2012 to forty-one thousand in 2021. In keeping with the Government's faith in hard work and individual responsibility, systematic testing has increasingly been replaced with more informal schemes, such as letting plebs drink the water at market prices and seeing if any real people come down with polio.