Hosepipe Ban

Since one major achievement of the past decade has been to cripple and demoralise the National Health Service just in time for a global pandemic, it's only natural that other non-vital services should be subject to similar levels of Britishness. Accordingly, the Conservatives and their little orange accomplices have cut fire services by a fifth just in time for a record-breaking heatwave. Efficiency savings have caused staff numbers to fall by over a third in the more expendable regions, and Government funding for some services has been cut by more than forty per cent. Members of the public who see a wildfire approaching are advised to stand in their doorways and applaud vigorously, thereby causing a draught which will redirect the flames onto the homes of their neighbours and maintain the buoyancy of the housing market.