Fast Grey Mare

Despite being unable to do her job three days ago, a benefits claimant with some unfortunate family connections was healthy enough for a flutter at the Races today. Her Madge Gawblesser, a sometime tax-dodger and the mother of at least one suspected sex abuser, was absent from the state opening of Parliament where, in a suitably Ruritanian touch, her duties were carried out by an old man whose job is waiting for her to die and where she herself was substituted by a very expensive hat gaudily inlaid with dubiously-acquired jewellery. Her Madge Gawblesser is of course well within the gammon bracket of the deserving demographic, having celebrated her ninety-sixth birthday only twenty-four hours after family friend Adolf Hitler celebrated his hundred and thirty-third. This may possibly help to explain why patriotic concern about how much Her Madge spends on luxuries and tattoos has thus far been conspicuous by its silence in Britain's free, fair and cantankerous Press.