Not Our Sort of Saint

From immigration@ukhomeoffice.rw
To ylyddanos234@chainmail.an
Date 2022-04-23 13:48

Dear Yorgos Lyddanos

This is an official communication from the British Home Office regarding your application to enter the UK. I am happy to be able to inform you that your application has been rejected.

The reasons for this finding are set out below.

You have stated that your purpose in entering the UK was preach gospel and stab big lizard. This purpose does not meet the necessary criteria for either business or pleasure and, like every other known purpose, does not qualify you as a non-bogus asylum seeker.

Your purpose in preach gospel has been assessed as being in Greek. The UK is an Anglican country where God speaks English.

Your purpose in stab big lizard has been assessed as a cynical attempt to exploit the UK's current sheep-eating saurian crisis. It is true that the UK is currently undergoing a sheep shortage owing to the war, the plague, European intransigence and the policies of previous administrations. It is also true that the dragon has displayed an unprecedented lack of appetite when offered pre-packaged cuts of lamb imported without health checks or other red tape. However, you may rest assured that the UK has more than enough expendable citizens to substitute before there is any threat to nice people.

Your purpose in stab big lizard has also been assessed as a cynical excuse to import into the UK a 2.5-metre lance and a highly trained and accoutred stallion of some 14 hands, without appropriate tolls and duties.

On behalf of the UK Home Office, I would like to thank you for your application and wish you every legitimate success back where you belong.

Yours very truly with limited and specific exceptions,

Assessment Office
Freedom House, Kigali

If you wish to appeal against this finding, please start a new application. If you wish the appeal to succeed, please ensure that you have more ready cash than previously. Remember that the giving of false information will place you at risk of prosecution and deportation by the UK Home Office. In especially serious cases,you may also be at risk of a managerial position in Her Majesty's Government.