Bear-Faced Cheek

One of the many ways in which Russia lags behind Western civilisation is the refusal of its government to abide by a proper news cycle. Politicians and media in the free world have been squealing for weeks that Russian forces are bringing Europe to the verge of war by staying within Russian territory without explaining themselves to hostile powers. According to the resident psychic at Britain's leading liberal newspaper, the warriors for truth, justice and Boris Johnson's political skin hope to avert conflict by pre-emptively publicising the Kremlin's fiendish plans. However, an unfortunate excess of zeal from certain free and fearless factions of the truth-bearing arm has caused various screaming ejaculations of penetrative activity to be prematurely splattered across the headlines, provoking crude hilarity from Russian commentators. Even in plucky little Ukraine, certain defeatist elements have expressed annoyance at the economic fallout from the hysteria in the free market which has inexplicably followed the hysteria in the free press. Meanwhile, as eastern Europe fills up with NATO troops and Britain discreetly withdraws in case Boris Johnson gets hurt, the fiend Putin inexplicably and illicitly continues to manoeuvre Russia's military might within the sovereign territory of Russia.