Who Could Possibly Have Foreseen It?

Much to their shock and consternation, certain Conservative seat-warmers in the House of Expenses Claimants have received threats that government investment will be withdrawn from their constituencies unless they vote the right way. Like the gormless Baroness Warsi, who discovered the Conservatives' enthusiastic racism and sexism after mere decades of membership, the Parliamentary Not Particularly Bright Party has taken its time noticing the National Johnson's little character flaws, all of which have been on detectably fragrant display since at least his prole-poisoning stint as mayor of London. Before that, the National Johnson was sacked from the front bench for lying, and afterwards he waggled his prodigious statesmanship as Mad Tessie's Minister for Wogs, Frogs and Huns; but the seat-warmers in the House of Expenses Claimants either did not notice these peccadilloes, or else joined with our free, fair and cantankerous media in dismissing them with a light laugh until Dominic Cummings graciously gave permission to take them seriously. The chair of the standards committee has said that misconduct in public life is a matter for the police, although it remains as yet unclear whether the National Johnson is quite foreign enough to be shot while attempting to escape.