Purple Haze

If there is one posture to which the posturing little squit who headed the first Bullingdon administration is terminally unsuited, it is that of elder statesman. Nevertheless, Britain's former Head Boy has taken it upon himself to dispense a few home truths about his colleague and successor, the National Johnson.

Leaving aside, in a spirit of seasonal charity, the fact that Johnson's hair falls all over the place while Daveybloke's mostly falls out, there are many notable resemblances between these overgrown school bullies. Johnson views public office as a cash-cow; Daveybloke viewed it as a networking opportunity. Johnson appointed the incompetent thug Priti Patel to the Home Office; Daveybloke appointed the incompetent thug Theresa May. When relaxed, Johnson is bluff, mendacious and vacuous; when relaxed, Daveybloke is smarmy, mendacious and vacuous. When at bay, both of them are loud, coarse, mean-spirited and treacherous.

Johnson's dishonesty, idiocy and laziness are so blatant as to stand out even in so crowded a field as the Conservative and Unionist Party; Daveybloke was dim enough to call the Brexit referendum and too lazy to win it. He once suffered a defeat on wog-bombing, of all the patriotic favourites, because he was too lazy to ensure that his MPs would fall into line. Having lost the Brexit referendum, Daveybloke promised to stay on and see it through, whereupon he resigned; then promised to stay in Parliament and work for his constituents, whereupon he resigned.

The reason for Daveybloke's latest re-emergence is a documentary about the media, in which he wags the finger at Johnson for relying on pre-recorded blah-blah instead of turning up to fib in person. Johnson boycotted (avoided, in Standard English) the BBC's Today programme because of its bias in favour of answers to questions, whereas Daveybloke was, in his own appraisal, "available and keen to engage and to answer questions," however falsely, evasively or inanely. Still, no doubt the sincerity shone through when Daveybloke lamented that the National Johnson can "get away with things that mere mortals can't seem to." Resentment, envy and hatred have always been powerful forces in the Conservative Party's market, especially when directed against a colleague, successor and frère et semblable.