Safe for Democracy

Sinister and subversive forces of anti-Americanism have suffered a salutary defeat at the clean and fragrant hands of private enterprise. An eighteenth-century printing of the Constitution has been sold for over forty-three million dollars, thereby becoming the most fiscally meritorious piece of paper ever to be auctioned. The buyer, whose secret identity protects him from the vindictive revenge of those who would destroy the American way of life, thus vanquished a monolithic and ruthless conspiracy of crowdfunders who proposed to put the document on public display "in the hands of," of all things, "the people."