The Father of Teeth

Text for today: I Canines xlvi-lxiv

Once upon an untime, said the Father of Teeth inaccurately, the Creator of a neater universe than this one resolved to ensure that the time between Creation and Apocalypse would be relatively peaceful and not require too many troublesome interventions. So he made the world with only twelve people in it, and within three days they had formed into two tribes of six and were fighting like mad. "To hell with this," said the Creator, and he drowned them all in a flood and started again. This time he made the world with only nine people in it, and within three days they had formed into three tribes of three and were fighting worse than before. "Bugger this for a lark," said the Creator, and he sent a plague to eat them up and started again. So he made the world with only four people in it, and within three days they had formed into two couples, two adulterers, two murderers and two corpses. "O ye of little faith," said the Creator, and he caused the survivors to hang themselves and started again. So he made the world with only three people in it, and within three days there were two allies and an outcast, which was natural enough but very noisy. "Vae victis," said the Creator, and he blasted them with a thunderbolt just as the stoning was getting under way. So he made the world with only two people in it, and within three days they weren't speaking to each other, which was quiet without being peaceful. "I have sinned greatly in thought, word and deed," said the Creator, and he rained fire and brimstone upon them. So he made the world with only one person in it, and that person died of loneliness; so the Apocalypse of that universe, said the Father of Teeth, when it came, was indeed truly peaceful.