You Can't Get the Staff These Days

Afghan scroungers who think that helping the master race lose at the Great Game is the route to a Britannic paradise of houri and chips are soon to be righteously disabused. The Ministry for Wog Warehousing has assured the great British public that families and unaccompanied minors will be kept in hotels until at least the end of the year, while local authorities dealing with chronic underfunding for housing and public services receive finger-wagging lectures about failing to do their part. Refugees too lazy to arrange their life-threatening emergencies according to the convenience of the Ministry will be prosecuted and thrown into prison once the new Purity of Britishness law comes in. Despite such hygienic efficiencies, average waiting times for "processing" asylum applications now exceed one year, and the Ministry is aiming to take on another thousand caseworkers, although it is as yet unclear how long it will take to instil them with the requisite patriotic values.