Parliamentary Privilege

While giving the rah-rah in the House of Expenses Claimants for Britain's glorious capitulation in the latest Anglo-Afghan War, almost all of the Government front-benchers chose not to wear masks. Now that the Commons chamber is crowded again, the Speaker has strongly advised members to cover up their orifices, the yapping and the snooting alike. However, he has no power to compel obedience, and the Conservative Party is foaming for the inalienable right of every freeman on the land to spurt and spray the discharge from his personal buboes and bronchioles over the distance of a pikestaff's length, or thrice as far on the monarch's birthday, in accordance with the provisions of Magna Carta, the Bill of Rights, and the terms and conditions of the said freemen's investments in reputable private healthcare companies. Only the jabbering homunculus Michael Gove and the newly-appointed White Male for Counter-Subversion felt inclined to posture as the adults in the room: both went in with their jowls bound, and both made sure to sit near the Speaker in case he should care to pat them on the head.