Looks Like I Picked the Wrong Week to Give Up Monkey Glands

Greatly to the shock of the scientific world and parts of the United States, an unprecedented study has discovered that human beings are organisms. Scientists from the UK and thirteen countries still living collaborated to test the hypothesis that members of particular species tend to age and die at a consistent rate. Their conclusion was that longevity is driven by biological factors rather than by positive thinking or the profits of anti-ageing quacks; although it remains as yet unclear whether their samples included persons who have been cryogenically preserved or who have entered into malignant symbiosis with hydrophobic head-tribbles.