When You've Got the Gammons, Who Needs a Letter-Box?

Like the Britain it naturally governs, the party of Winston Churchill is free from institutional racism; as is the party of Enoch Powell, Norman Tebbit, Theresa May, Zac Goldsmith and Boris Johnson. A report into the party's innocence, commissioned by the Home Secretary responsible for the hostile environment and the Windrush débâcle, has reached the predictable conclusion that certain people might care to moderate their language a bit. So blatant is the whitewash that the report has provoked scepticism even from a few of those Muslims who are greedy or stupid enough to be members of the party that despises them. One source was confident enough in the benevolent tolerance of their colleagues to note anonymously that others have noted that no Muslim Conservative MPs were quoted in the report; which must certainly have been helpful to those very few journalists who couldn't be bothered to read it. Someone else pondered why a report commissioned by Theresa May might possibly fail to examine the reasons why the Conservative Party was attracting racist bigots rather than decent Muslims like himself. Meanwhile Goldsmith, who ran a crudely racist mayoral campaign in London, simply denied everything; while Johnson issued the standard expression of regret that people from alien cultures can be so over-sensitive, and proclaimed that he considers abstention from Muslim-baiting one of the necessary burdens of his office. Lessons will no doubt be learned.