Transports of Treachery

Citizens of nowhere and Remoanertard extremists are seeking to cloud the sunlit uplands of Global Britain with their whines and whinges about exports to, if you please, the ever-collapsing Nazi-Soviet empire of the beastly Euro-wogs. The chair of the Road Haulage Association, the chief executive of the British Ports Association and the chief executive of the Cold Chain Federation (the association for handlers of frozen and chilled foods, not the official Conservative Party sex link-up) have all conspired to agree that, thanks to the coincidence of independence, the pandemic and the all-encompassing Britishness of Her Majesty's Government, the mainland's exports to the Continent may have fallen by as much as sixty-eight per cent. Fortunately, a spokesbeing for the jabbering homunculus Michael Gove has proclaimed that, as usual, Her Majesty's Government does not recognise the figures, which ought to be good enough for only slightly less than anyone. If real events are so disobliging as to get worse after the six-month arse-covering period expires, no doubt there will be enhancements to the mathematical ostracism. Thereafter, should matters have the impudence to develop yet more unfavourably, the figures will risk being declared unpatriotic, antisemitic and a solemn warning to uppity Celts.