Precautionary Precriminations

Not only the beastly Euro-wogs and their instruments, the treacherous Remainers, will be to blame when the sunny uplands turn all grim and chilly in the new year. With its usual mix of radical foresight and confident traditionalism, Her Majesty's Government has taken appropriate steps to ensure that interruptions in the food supply to schools will be entirely the responsibility of bolshie teachers. A blather dispatched by the Department of Stupid Boy has made clear that the Government takes no more than its usual degree of interest in the feeding and upkeep of juveniles whose parents aren't even deserving enough to afford a nanny.

Despite this good news, certain unelected enemies of freedom have sought to cast a damper by pointing out the security implications should the former Cummings administration allow its front-man's stupidity to trump his natural blend of indolence and cowardice. If the UK refuses to accept what the grown-ups put before it, police chiefs predict major operational damage to their ability to fight crime and terrorism: a consequence that even Tumbledown Tessie May only favoured for about six months.