Papal Plasma Perfidiously Pilfered

Every good Christian values the spirit above the flesh; which doubtless explains the famous disdain for money and unswerving refusal of tithes by all their major churches. It also provides a clue to their reverence for those bodily bits and pieces which are preserved from holy persons once their soul has gone to its heavenly reward. Pope John Paul II, whose disregard for the mere earthly bodies and minds of rape and abuse victims doubtless contrbuted to the seemly haste with which his canonisation was accomplished, has been honoured in just this manner. Bloodstained cloth from the 1981 assassination attempt has been preserved in a metal frame, and more blood has been stored in vials of gold and crystal to remind the faithful about the vanity of worldly wealth and the evils of superstition. By the grace of God one such treasure was stolen from an Umbria cathedral in September and the police have now identified a suspect, although the vial itself remains at large. The archbishop of Spoleto committed a disappointing lapse by publicly demanding its return, rather than simply praying for its miraculous reappearance and letting his faith do the rest.