Journal of the Plague Year

continued, by a Gentleman

I had reſolved upon a Voyage into Calais among the beaſtlie French, in order to gather Intelligence concerning the Diſpoſition of their Armies; for it is well known amid the innermoſt Circles of Her Majeſty's Government, that the Enemy hath achieved a moſt unfair Advantage in diplomatick Statecraft, by the fiendiſhly cunning Expedient of arriving at Meetings with their Papers all prepared and their Documents thoroughly peruſed before-hand, like blatant Cheats at an Examination. It is a moſt unchivalrous ſort of Conduct, and no leſs a Diſgrace to the Honour of the Foe was the Incident which at laſt prevented my Sojourn, namely the Arrival on Calais beach of a deceaſed juvenile of inferior Race, which but for a fortunate Tide might have waſhed up at Dover inſtead. To what thin Rag or Scrap of Hope may we cling for the Harmony among Nations, when we have barely begun to recover from the Woo Han Peſtience and already our vindictive Enemies begin to tarniſh the Silver of our Seas with unclean Litterings of the migratory Swarm? It is true that the Corſe in queſtion was a ſmall one, but the period at Sea would indubitably have enhanced its Preſence and poyſonous Miaſmata with gaſeous Bloating and ſeverall Varieties of noxious Leakage, to the unſpeakable Detriment of any ſenſitive Britiſh Conſtitution.

Accordingly I betook me inſtead to Scotland, where as befitteth a Paragon of Induſtriouſneſs, our noble Prime Miniſter was upon his ſixth or ſeventh Holiday of the Year accompanied by one or more relevant Whores and Broods. I was unfortunately unable to gain a confidential Audience although I followed the eminent Entourage from Berwick to Lerwick at the Coſt of ſome Diſcomfort and ſeverall Bearers. However, I hear from the moſt reliable Sources that our dear Leader continues deeply concerned, that the Nation's more expendable Children ſhould return immediately to their accuſtomed Labours, although there remain many ungrateful and intranſigent Perſons among the lower Claſses, who threaten obſtinate Refuſal and entire Diſcombobulation of the great Stateſman's maſterly Precautions. For it is only by obſerving of the Exceſs Mortality among the Expendables that we may hope to determine the Safety of ſending the Heirs to the Country's Greatneſs back to Oxford, Cambridge and Eton. Yet alas, be he ever ſo Britiſh, in his entire Lack of a diſintereſted and altruiſtick Viſion your ſpoyled and pampered modern Expendable might almoſt as well have been borne unto the ſwarming Horde of migrating Cockroaches.