The Father of Teeth
Text for today: I Caries xcvi-cxviii
Eventually, however, the enemy surrendered and the conquering army, by the grace of its deities, marched in. The enemy's religion was a grotesque and dreadful cult whose beliefs defied everything from true doctrine to common sense, and whose priesthood was more or less evenly divided between fiendish fanatics and cynical charlatans. Their greed and cruelty was exceeded only by their intellectual dishonesty, and the supreme chaplain of the conquering army lost no time in converting the more unprincipled leaders to his own cause, while having humbler and more stubborn adherents re-educated by the dozen in all the public squares.
From his balcony in the capital, wearing his most dignified socks and an expression of appropriate humility, the supreme chaplain watched the nooses being prepared for the next round of theological reorientation. Throughout the edifying spectacle he marvelled at the greatness of the gods; for, despite marching over reeking battlefields strewn with grimacing corpses and shrieking wounded; despite the starving citizenry and their purely materialistic hatred; and despite the incorrigible bigotry of those surviving fanatics whose families had been tortured and executed and displayed piecemeal on the battlements as an incentive to rejoice in the truth - despite all these distasteful sights and sounds, and especially the smells, the supreme chaplain's faith had never wavered for a moment.
"That's because you have apes in your mind," said the Father of Teeth, materialising whimsically nearby out of the black void of his own cyclopean cavities; "the very fabric of your being is woven through with shrieking, jabbering, dung-pelting simians. When your reverend ancestors stopped swinging from the trees, the Creator of the universe graciously permitted them to remain in your soul."
"Why would the Creator do that?" asked the supreme chaplain sceptically.
"He disbelieves in evolution," said the Father of Teeth, "so he left them there to hinder yours."
Eventually, however, the enemy surrendered and the conquering army, by the grace of its deities, marched in. The enemy's religion was a grotesque and dreadful cult whose beliefs defied everything from true doctrine to common sense, and whose priesthood was more or less evenly divided between fiendish fanatics and cynical charlatans. Their greed and cruelty was exceeded only by their intellectual dishonesty, and the supreme chaplain of the conquering army lost no time in converting the more unprincipled leaders to his own cause, while having humbler and more stubborn adherents re-educated by the dozen in all the public squares.
From his balcony in the capital, wearing his most dignified socks and an expression of appropriate humility, the supreme chaplain watched the nooses being prepared for the next round of theological reorientation. Throughout the edifying spectacle he marvelled at the greatness of the gods; for, despite marching over reeking battlefields strewn with grimacing corpses and shrieking wounded; despite the starving citizenry and their purely materialistic hatred; and despite the incorrigible bigotry of those surviving fanatics whose families had been tortured and executed and displayed piecemeal on the battlements as an incentive to rejoice in the truth - despite all these distasteful sights and sounds, and especially the smells, the supreme chaplain's faith had never wavered for a moment.
"That's because you have apes in your mind," said the Father of Teeth, materialising whimsically nearby out of the black void of his own cyclopean cavities; "the very fabric of your being is woven through with shrieking, jabbering, dung-pelting simians. When your reverend ancestors stopped swinging from the trees, the Creator of the universe graciously permitted them to remain in your soul."
"Why would the Creator do that?" asked the supreme chaplain sceptically.
"He disbelieves in evolution," said the Father of Teeth, "so he left them there to hinder yours."
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