The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Friday, May 29, 2020

Journal of the Plague Year

continued, by a Gentleman

It hath long been known as a defining Characteriſtick of your ſanguinary Extremiſt and Foreign-inclined, that the ſublime Subtleties of Engliſh Law and fair Play are altogether loſt upon him; and ſo it hath proven in the mad and rabid Outcry of vulgar Indignation againſt that loyall Servant of our noble Prime Miniſter, who went a Journey to Durham-town in order to avail himſelf of the Caſtle. The venerable and ſtately Pile being all ſet about with Signs and Notices, is notoriouſly ſtriking to the viſual Perception, and is thus a famouſly reliable Indication whether or no a Gentleman may be ſuffering from Blindneſs. Since the Time of King Æthelred it hath been known, that if any Man approach a Caſtle in Durham-town and do not bloody his Noſe upon the outer Walls of the Keep, then that Man is one who can ſee. A more reaſonable Precaution in a far-ſighted Officer of State would be difficult of imagining, and yet the Gentleman in queſtion is even now the hapleſs Victim of a Horde of foaming Radicals that wiſhes nothing more than to watch his Head ſpiked upon all the Pitch-forks hitherto reſerved for uppity Guild-maſters, Agents of the French, overly materialiſtick Schoolmiſtreſses and ſuchlike Conſpirators againſt the Realm.

Clearly the Mob is prey to that ethereal yet deadly Peſtilence which is ſpiritual Foreignneſs, and which conſiſteth in the Diſability of Perception I ſpoke of, whereby the vital Context of a given Action becometh inviſible to the Mind, or at leaſt ſuch Mind as the ſo afflicted may juſtly be ſaid to poſseſs. For ſurely no true Engliſhman, borne in Freedom and raiſed in Law and Order and corporally ſchooled to know his Place, will defend ſo outlandiſh a Notion, as that any given Activity undertaken by an Engliſh Gentleman or his duly accredited Servant, Vaſsal or Sponger, hath all the moral and legal Status of the identical Activity undertaken by one of leſser Breeding. Should any ſuch moral Anarchy ever chance to exert its baneful Gripe upon this Land, why then a mere harmleſs Pleaſantry directed at a ſhackled Nigger could be conſidered no leſs an Offence than the brute Reſponſe of that ſame benighted Savage, and the beſt-intentioned Slap upon the Buttocks of a Whore might be fraught with dire and diſmal Conſequences even for a Gentleman of the moſt refined and delicate Senſibility.

It is of courſe the rightful Prerogative and Privilege of the Prime Miniſter to diſmiſs his Servants at his own fair Convenience, and ſeverall times a Day for the paſt Week I have communicated to his exalted Perſon my continuing Willingneſs to give a fair Price for whatever publick Office may chance to fall vacant, ſhould it happen to be ſo humble as to be ſuitable unto my poor Deſerts.

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