The Father of Teeth

Text for today: II Canines xliv-lxi

Nevertheless, by the time the Father of Teeth arrived a great pandemic had long ravaged the city, and every street resounded with the brisk axe-hacking of coughs and the ripe-peach bursting of buboes. The dead swelled lazily in the gutters, and the healthy stooped over each corpse in order to breathe deeply of its aroma. Sidling up to one citizen thus occupied, and unleashing one of his less antiseptic grins, the Father of Teeth inquired the reason for this fragrant respiratory ritual.

"Most insolent and malodorous stranger," said the citizen politely, "this act is no ritual indulgence, but a profound and prophylactic duty, incumbent on all in this blighted city who have not been excused on the grounds of personal deceasement."
"Its profundity I can well observe," said the Father of Teeth, "for I see it in your green-faced gasping and hear it in the appreciative rumblings of your no doubt salutarily stimulated digestive tract; but I confess that the prophylactic value of inhaling a corpse's perfume escapes me."
"Our rulers have proclaimed," said the citizen, "that this along with patriotism is the way to gain immunity from infection; the proclamation was made several weeks ago and has been regularly repeated since, so nowadays we expect to see positive results almost before they occur."
"I trust your rulers are not unduly discommoded in the meantime," said the Father of Teeth.
"They have secluded themselves," replied the citizen, "in gardens behind high walls, where they tell one another risqué stories and lament the ingratitude of the populace."
"Far away and long ago," said the Father of Teeth, while the citizen continued his pulmonary precautions, "there was a man who proclaimed that there are plagues and victims, and wherever possible one should not be on the side of the plague."
"That sounds reasonable enough," said the citizen.
"When the plague next arrived," continued the Father of Teeth, "it was the first to register as an invalid. It put itself forth as a victim and bemoaned the antibodies that bullied it, and denounced in the most fulsome language all those who died, because of the deprivation caused by their lack of consideration as hosts."
"We all must do our part," coughed the citizen.
"In the end," said the Father of Teeth, "a statute was passed protecting the rights of certain organisms to wreak due havoc among the populace, provided only that they confined their attentions to non-essential citizens and refrained from inflicting upon the wealthy and powerful any biological indignity that might work to the detriment of their authority, and hence of all things fine and noble."
"Compromise and legal guarantee are the essence of living in a civilised society," said the citizen, whose face had become patriotically mottled in red, white and blue.
"Very possibly," said the Father of Teeth, "but a bloodstream clear of noxious microbes may also help matters on occasion."

The citizen was about to explain that his nation's ideals of patriotism were far more advanced and enlightened than mere foreign superstitions about purity of the blood; but greatly to his surprise he found himself suddenly horizontal and helplessly expiring, with a queue of eager breathers waiting to inhale his purifying vapours. The Father of Teeth, who had more than enough gas of his own, was not among them.