Cultural Revolution

Despite the best environmental efforts of Her Majesty's Government, foreign students continue to dilute the fiscal Britishness of our comfortably padded seats of learning. A third of universities' income from tuition fees is paid, with bestial Nazi cunning, by foreign students; and now, with insidious Oriental duplicity, the Heathen Chinee are plotting to impose austerity. Whether through their innate hatred of the white man, or an inexplicable foreign dislike of being assaulted by stoical patriots for the crime of subversive respiration, a majority of students are either unsure whether they will enrol or else likely to cancel altogether. Fortunately, thanks to the unique entrepreneurial gumption of the plucky British spirit, the fiends will be foiled and our great nation's culture will live another day to fight the straw men of tomorrow; for the alien mind of the Heathen Chinee is too fatally enwrapped in its own infinite subtleties to penetrate the crass, crude fact that Her Majesty's Government cares as much about education as it does about public health.