The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Thursday, March 26, 2020

Journal of the Plague Year

continued, by a Gentleman

Although deaths from the Peſtilence are numbered minimal in the conſidered Opinion of Her Majeſty's Government, it is reckoned by many that more Perſons are dying than the publick Record ſtates, owing to the economical Practice of recording only a ſmall Number among thoſe deaths which occur. This ſeems a fair Compromiſe between the immediate need to prevent Panick among the Rabble and the continuing Neceſsitie for the exceſs Population to be rapidly and efficiently exciſed from our great Britiſh Herd. The Archbiſhop of Canterbury hath expreſsed his ſatisfaction that the Buſineſs of recording Paſsage to the next World is not reduced to a mere Function of ſecular Scribes and Scriveners, which would tally Souls into Heaven as if counting out ſo many Beans.

A certain Mr Kamu hath ſayed to me, while diſporting himself in the Bloater & Blueſtocking Coffee-houſe, that the preſent Peſtilence could not be the Blacke Death, as that infirmity was ſpread by Fleas from Rattes, the ſaid Fleas having infected the Rattes to their Doom and then leapt from the bloated and twitching rodent Corſes on to unſuſpecting Humanity. He then ſpoke moſt fancifully of ſmall noiſome Bodies with which the Fleas corrupted the Blood and which thereby cauſed the Plague to ſpread.

I find this Theory moſt cumberſome and unworthy, and I have no knowledge of its approval by any Scientific or Medical Authority in Her Majeſty's Government, which continues ſtoutly to uphold the Doctrine that diſeaſes are spread by Foreigners with their dirty Habits and aſsorted culinary Perverſities. I ſuppose that it is poſsible English Blood in the Fourteenth Century was a leſs pure and Reſilient Concoction than during our Glorious Preſent-day; but Mr Kamu is by all accounts a French-ſpeaking Savage from a Turkiſh city in the Jungles of Northern Africa, and holds many ſtrange and ſuperſtitious ideas with which he hath doubleſs been infected thanks to the hideous Barbarities of Mohammedaniſm. I am reſolved to ſpeak to him further and gain Material towards a Denunciation to help me towards some elevated Station in the Government, which hath recently advertiſed its need for the ſervice of unpleaſant Eccentrics.

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