Highly Skilled

Ministers welcome dynamic new citizen

A report into the Government's Windrush generational cleansing project, which is expected to adopt a critical tone towards a few honest mistakes that anyone could have made, was published today amid a flurry of tributes to the coronavirus.

Britain's Ministry for Wog Control has expressed its gratitude to the coronavirus for its unparalleled abilities and can-do attitude in the business of bad news interment.

"The coronavirus is Britain's most welcome immigrant," said one former prime minister and environmental hostility purveyor.

"The coronavirus did not come here to pay university fees or taxes. Britain will always be a home to hard workers whose minds have not been narrowed and warped by the infection of foreign ideologies."

"The coronavirus has a far more get-go attitude of can-do dynamism than my own parents, who I would have deported without hesitation" said the present secretary of state for wog control, whose parents sneaked into the country when it was legal under international law.

Publication of the report could have drawn several minutes of unwelcome media attention, had not the coronavirus appeared in time to focus the public's mind on shopping.

Once the virus had arrived, a wave of contradictory, incoherent and dismissive Government announcements brought on a virulent outbreak of Anglo-Saxon stoicism which continues to ravage supermarket shelves across the country.

A Downing Street spokesbeing said that the coronavirus could marry the Prime Minister's daughter, "whatever her name is," and would shortly be offered the freedom of the city of London, which would grant it the inalienable right to graze its sheep on the garden bridge without tax or toll.