Clean Hands

With a degree of fiendishness worthy of the Heathen Chinee themselves, mere experts have sought to hijack the coronavirus in pursuit of their sinister communistic agenda. Both Her Majesty's Government and its American ally have been warned that lack of statutory sick pay will tend to bring infected workers into contact with non-infected ones, thereby putting the latter at risk of decreased productivity. It remains as yet unclear whether either government accepts the germ theory of infection, an undemocratically scientific construct which carries the dangerous implication that pandemics may not always be preventable through pluck, patriotic zeal and the profit motive alone. Nevertheless, a spokesbeing at the Department for Workfare and Privation was proud and happy to clarify that anyone not entitled to Britain's more or less pitiful rates of statutory sick pay can always telephone, or consult their Idleness Police supervisor, for advice on how to claim a lesser amount.