The Father of Teeth

Text for today: Enamel lxi-lxxiv

Extricating himself from these multifarious meanderings, however, the Father of Teeth came upon the funeral of a respected and popular citizen, whose family and friends were joined at the graveside by a substantial crowd of well-wishers.

Although the crowd exceeded by some dozens his average congregation, the priest began berating the mourners over their unnatural display of melancholy. "No-one with true faith in the Creator has any right to grieve at the death of a fellow sinner," he thundered; "for either the deceased is in heaven, in which case she is better off and your grief is selfish; or else she is deservedly damned, in which case you are better off without her and your grief is indulgent." He ended by noting compassionately that no human being is immune from sin, and that even the most profound grief might be forgiven on payment of suitable reparations.

A few family members nodded righteously at this, since the deceased had remembered some of them in her will almost as casually as she had failed to remember the church. Others complained that the priest's remarks were in poor taste; and for his own part the Father of Teeth, whose acquaintance with the Creator's little ways rivalled in length and profundity the blackest of his Sunday-best gums, suddenly came over all educative.

Soon after the Father of Teeth departed for regions elsewhere, therefore, the gnawed remains of the priest were discovered in various holy places soon to be hastily deconsecrated. Doubtless to the approval of the priest's transfigured soul, his funeral was a most joyful affair; and doing zealous duty at the very forefront of the riotous celebrations were the same grieving malcontents whose lachrymose impiety he had so vigorously scolded.