The Father of Teeth
Text for today: Dentures xciii-cxvii
On the contrary, before his extraction from office the Father of Teeth was entrusted by the Creator of the universe with all manner of tasks. Some were menial, such as the ventilation of throats which did not praise the Creator loudly enough; and some were not so menial, such as the biting into shape of various geological formations. His most delicate task was placing souls into human blastocysts, for then the Father of Teeth had to chew his way into a tiny clump of cells using only his most delicate diamond-sharp dentures. With tweezers he would extract the squirming soul from its angrily buzzing capsule and then push it into the cavity, and all the while the cells would continue to divide and multiply, as mindlessly as if the whole process were a purely physical phenomenon which had evolved through a series of accidents.
Strictly speaking the Father of Teeth was required to insert the souls at the moment of conception, but there were so many conceptions that he could never get the timing exactly right and generally contented himself with completing the operation when the blastocyst comprised something between sixteen and 65,536 cells. Even this relaxed timetable was barely satisfactory, as the souls were all well aware that they were destined for reunion with the Creator of the universe and, truth to tell, were often in no great hurry to avail themselves of the privilege. Such was their sense of anticipation that they would scream all the way to the womb, and occasionally the Father of Teeth would become so distracted as to leave one of his most delicate diamond-sharp dentures embedded among the cells; whereupon the foetus, having reached a certain amphibious stage of development, would gnaw its way outside in a most inconvenient and untidy fashion.
Managerial reconsiderations were clearly called for, and the Creator of the universe eventually decided that ensoulment should occur at a later stage of growth. Eventually the matter was placed in the hands of a committee, with the inevitable result that the majority of the world's blastocysts were never ensouled at all, but divided and multiplied with mechanical regularity until they became big enough to walk the earth. Eventually, in compensation for their spiritual vacuity, they started gathering together in little clumps to chorus their demands at the Creator. Of course the Creator heard nothing of these prayers, since the petitioners had not been ensouled and were therefore unworthy; but often in his wanderings the Father of Teeth would observe them, and snigger at them with his most delicate diamond-sharp dentures.
On the contrary, before his extraction from office the Father of Teeth was entrusted by the Creator of the universe with all manner of tasks. Some were menial, such as the ventilation of throats which did not praise the Creator loudly enough; and some were not so menial, such as the biting into shape of various geological formations. His most delicate task was placing souls into human blastocysts, for then the Father of Teeth had to chew his way into a tiny clump of cells using only his most delicate diamond-sharp dentures. With tweezers he would extract the squirming soul from its angrily buzzing capsule and then push it into the cavity, and all the while the cells would continue to divide and multiply, as mindlessly as if the whole process were a purely physical phenomenon which had evolved through a series of accidents.
Strictly speaking the Father of Teeth was required to insert the souls at the moment of conception, but there were so many conceptions that he could never get the timing exactly right and generally contented himself with completing the operation when the blastocyst comprised something between sixteen and 65,536 cells. Even this relaxed timetable was barely satisfactory, as the souls were all well aware that they were destined for reunion with the Creator of the universe and, truth to tell, were often in no great hurry to avail themselves of the privilege. Such was their sense of anticipation that they would scream all the way to the womb, and occasionally the Father of Teeth would become so distracted as to leave one of his most delicate diamond-sharp dentures embedded among the cells; whereupon the foetus, having reached a certain amphibious stage of development, would gnaw its way outside in a most inconvenient and untidy fashion.
Managerial reconsiderations were clearly called for, and the Creator of the universe eventually decided that ensoulment should occur at a later stage of growth. Eventually the matter was placed in the hands of a committee, with the inevitable result that the majority of the world's blastocysts were never ensouled at all, but divided and multiplied with mechanical regularity until they became big enough to walk the earth. Eventually, in compensation for their spiritual vacuity, they started gathering together in little clumps to chorus their demands at the Creator. Of course the Creator heard nothing of these prayers, since the petitioners had not been ensouled and were therefore unworthy; but often in his wanderings the Father of Teeth would observe them, and snigger at them with his most delicate diamond-sharp dentures.
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