The Father of Teeth
Text for today: II Bicuspid xciii-cxli
In the seventeenth year of the war, however, the Father of Teeth was brought before the tribunal and ordered to declare himself in favour of one side or the other, since each was committed to the other's annihilation in the name of the Creator of the universe.
The tribunal consisted of a general from each of the opposing armies and a presiding judge from a neutral country which was selling weapons to both. The Father of Teeth was brought into the dock under guard and stood there grinding his thirteenth-best molars with a noise like distant cannon-fire.
"Will you choose a side?" demanded the presiding judge thunderously.
"Why should I?" said the Father of Teeth.
"Because all that is needed for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing," said one of the generals.
"Good people," the other general corrected him, for a major reason why he was committed to the other side's annihilation was the Creator's disapproval of non-inclusive language.
"But I am not good," said the Father of Teeth, "and there is room for debate as to whether I'm a person, so if I do nothing either good will triumph or it won't matter either way."
"Blasphemer!" thundered the judge. "Do you mean to imply that the Creator of the universe has so ordered things that individual moral choice makes no difference?"
"Not at all," said the Father of Teeth; "the Creator of the universe has so ordered things that one person's evil is another person's good, while a third person profits from both. Morally speaking, which is a different subject entirely, the moral choices of these three make all the difference in the world."
At this the tribunal was so shocked that both generals ordered the Father of Teeth to be taken out and shot, while the judge offered to supply the firing squad's equipment on highly competitive terms. The Father of Teeth offered blindfolds to all involved, on humanitarian grounds; and when the soldiers fired he caught the bullets neatly between his kevlar incisors and spat them back at the coup de grâce. Leaving the soldiers staring, for they had all imprudently refused the blindfold, the Father of Teeth returned to the tribunal chamber where, gradually filling the room and grinning with hideous civility, he asked the generals and the presiding judge if they would care to make a moral choice.
In the seventeenth year of the war, however, the Father of Teeth was brought before the tribunal and ordered to declare himself in favour of one side or the other, since each was committed to the other's annihilation in the name of the Creator of the universe.
The tribunal consisted of a general from each of the opposing armies and a presiding judge from a neutral country which was selling weapons to both. The Father of Teeth was brought into the dock under guard and stood there grinding his thirteenth-best molars with a noise like distant cannon-fire.
"Will you choose a side?" demanded the presiding judge thunderously.
"Why should I?" said the Father of Teeth.
"Because all that is needed for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing," said one of the generals.
"Good people," the other general corrected him, for a major reason why he was committed to the other side's annihilation was the Creator's disapproval of non-inclusive language.
"But I am not good," said the Father of Teeth, "and there is room for debate as to whether I'm a person, so if I do nothing either good will triumph or it won't matter either way."
"Blasphemer!" thundered the judge. "Do you mean to imply that the Creator of the universe has so ordered things that individual moral choice makes no difference?"
"Not at all," said the Father of Teeth; "the Creator of the universe has so ordered things that one person's evil is another person's good, while a third person profits from both. Morally speaking, which is a different subject entirely, the moral choices of these three make all the difference in the world."
At this the tribunal was so shocked that both generals ordered the Father of Teeth to be taken out and shot, while the judge offered to supply the firing squad's equipment on highly competitive terms. The Father of Teeth offered blindfolds to all involved, on humanitarian grounds; and when the soldiers fired he caught the bullets neatly between his kevlar incisors and spat them back at the coup de grâce. Leaving the soldiers staring, for they had all imprudently refused the blindfold, the Father of Teeth returned to the tribunal chamber where, gradually filling the room and grinning with hideous civility, he asked the generals and the presiding judge if they would care to make a moral choice.
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