Crisis, What Crisis?

Damp northern proles and an occasional drowning do not constitute a national emergency, according to the Imperial Haystack's latest proclamation from the provinces. Floods are once again affecting the north of England, and the Imperial Haystack had a bit of a blather about doing something about it sometime, much as the late Head Boy and his climate-denying environment secretaries used to blather in floods of yore. Besides the climate, which will be fixed as soon as the Conservatives take us out of Brussels and into the arms of the Trumpster and Jair Bolsonaro, the Imperial Haystack also blamed the floods on "building," as it has long been known that the northern barbarians have too many affordable homes and not enough garden bridges. The Imperial Haystack ordered the humble folk to "face the reality that places like this are vulnerable to flooding" and that prevention measures would be so effective that "we're going to see more of it." Fortunately the Imperial Haystack cannot justly be accused of regional neglect, since his previous form on the issue of climate and pollution includes the illegal poisoning of several million Londoners.