The Father of Teeth
Text for today: Cavities xlix-lxi
On the eve of the battle, however, the Father of Teeth took cigars and sherry with the commanding general of the forces of decency, moderation and civilised values. The general had just given the coup de grâce to an interminable anecdote about his days as a subaltern in a completely different army of decency, moderation and civilised values: which, as chance would have it, was the very army which the present forces of decency, moderation and civilised values were poised to annihilate on the morrow.
"Some little time after I started out myself," said the Father of Teeth, "the arts of war had not yet attained their present level of sophistication; it was all done with flint and bone, all very finely worked and shaped, you understand, but not particularly effective in terms of bangs for the bucks. A stone axe-head took so much effort to produce that any weapon which actually made a kill was considered sacred. It was said to have absorbed the power of the man who had died, and became a revered treasure."
"Remarkable," said the commanding general of the forces of decency, moderation and civilised values. "Imagine having the hypocrisy to regard an enemy as someone worth respecting."
"Later on," continued the Father of Teeth, "they used swords and maces, and bows and arrows, and misericordes, which were the short knives used to cut the throats of knights who had been unhorsed and couldn't get up because of the weight of their armour. It was customary for the bowmen to venture onto the field and recover their arrows in case of further need, but the arrows rarely became heirlooms because the archers were merely practising thrift."
"The swords and shields and maces were often preserved, however," said the commanding general of the forces of decency, moderation and civilised values. "Society had advanced enough by then to remember the battles rather than grovelling to the memory of the deservedly slaughtered, which meant that the weapons could be polished clean of blood and brains without the risk of sacrilege." He indicated the impressive array of weapons in his own cabinets, all of which were immaculately shiny and untainted with the anatomical components of the unworthy.
"Later still," said the Father of Teeth, "I was called upon to witness a battle conducted by mechanical means. In a way it was very efficient, with dead and maimed in the tens of thousands; but millions of metal cartridges were ejected by the recoil of their own firing and left in the mud to rust, which of course was neither noble nor thrifty."
So the commanding general of the forces of decency, moderation and civilised values gave orders that, as soon as victory was secured, his men should chivalrously roam the battlefield and collect all spent cartridges for recycling. The Father of Teeth and most fatal casualties above non-commissioned rank were exempt from the order on compassionate grounds.
On the eve of the battle, however, the Father of Teeth took cigars and sherry with the commanding general of the forces of decency, moderation and civilised values. The general had just given the coup de grâce to an interminable anecdote about his days as a subaltern in a completely different army of decency, moderation and civilised values: which, as chance would have it, was the very army which the present forces of decency, moderation and civilised values were poised to annihilate on the morrow.
"Some little time after I started out myself," said the Father of Teeth, "the arts of war had not yet attained their present level of sophistication; it was all done with flint and bone, all very finely worked and shaped, you understand, but not particularly effective in terms of bangs for the bucks. A stone axe-head took so much effort to produce that any weapon which actually made a kill was considered sacred. It was said to have absorbed the power of the man who had died, and became a revered treasure."
"Remarkable," said the commanding general of the forces of decency, moderation and civilised values. "Imagine having the hypocrisy to regard an enemy as someone worth respecting."
"Later on," continued the Father of Teeth, "they used swords and maces, and bows and arrows, and misericordes, which were the short knives used to cut the throats of knights who had been unhorsed and couldn't get up because of the weight of their armour. It was customary for the bowmen to venture onto the field and recover their arrows in case of further need, but the arrows rarely became heirlooms because the archers were merely practising thrift."
"The swords and shields and maces were often preserved, however," said the commanding general of the forces of decency, moderation and civilised values. "Society had advanced enough by then to remember the battles rather than grovelling to the memory of the deservedly slaughtered, which meant that the weapons could be polished clean of blood and brains without the risk of sacrilege." He indicated the impressive array of weapons in his own cabinets, all of which were immaculately shiny and untainted with the anatomical components of the unworthy.
"Later still," said the Father of Teeth, "I was called upon to witness a battle conducted by mechanical means. In a way it was very efficient, with dead and maimed in the tens of thousands; but millions of metal cartridges were ejected by the recoil of their own firing and left in the mud to rust, which of course was neither noble nor thrifty."
So the commanding general of the forces of decency, moderation and civilised values gave orders that, as soon as victory was secured, his men should chivalrously roam the battlefield and collect all spent cartridges for recycling. The Father of Teeth and most fatal casualties above non-commissioned rank were exempt from the order on compassionate grounds.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home