Buccaneering New Precautions

After only three years of negotiation with itself and, more peripherally, with the European Union, the British Conservative Party has finally understood what's been going wrong all this time. The problem, of course, is that the beastly Euro-wogs have been able to see, and even to discuss among themselves, the proposals under consideration by Her Majesty's Government. Nothing so badly weakens the negotiating position of a global nation as an artificially imposed necessity for lesser breeds to know what one is thinking; particularly if one's thinkers happen to be of the calibre of Dominic Raab, Stephen Barclay and the Imperial Haystack. Accordingly, the beastly Euro-wogs have been sternly reminded that British papers (also called non-papers, in tribute to their non-policy status) must be treated as the property of Her Majesty's Government, and not passed around to be seen by just anybody, let alone by members of the organisation with which Her Majesty's Government occasionally claims to be negotiating. Since the beastly Euro-wogs are in belligerent mood and unlikely to comply, Her Majesty's Government has taken the additional cunning precaution of ensuring that the non-policies in the non-papers have all been non-starters from an earlier stage of the proceedings. It all seems jolly watertight.