Go to Bed Early, Wake Up with Joy

Even though he is only the Minister for Privatised Medicine, Matt Hancock occasionally feels the need to make some sort of show at being concerned with public health. Hence, his department is preparing a finger-wag advising the lesser breeds on how much sleep they should be getting. "Failure to sleep between seven and nine hours a night is associated with physical and mental health problems, including an increased risk of obesity, strokes, heart attacks, depression and anxiety," warns a draft, for which ministers' nannies have evidently provided much constructive input. Sleeplessness is not a symptom but a failure, and by reformng their behaviour instead of staying up all night, the plebs can make themselves healthier. It's all so very simples if only they would try; and there is ample reason to anticipate that Matt Hancock will recommend a similar approach to other health issues. Failure to gain a subsistence-level income is associated with physical and mental health problems, so the plebs must purge themselves of idleness, although it remains as yet unclear which jobs Matt Hancock would like us to sleep on. Failure to avoid coughing and sneezing is associated with the common cold, so the plebs must be more mindful of their airways and take care whereof they inhale. Failure to control one's buboes is associated with the Black Death, so the plebs must drain their swellings before toddling off to work in the morning.