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Parts of the proto-Albionic landmass are set to experience the most refreshing coolness of the year so far thanks to the approaching meteor impact. Air quality is expected to become refreshingly carbonated and visiblity in certain areas could attain maximum tactfulness as atmospheric dust shuts out the sunlight for months on end.

"The world is set to enjoy one of the longest winters on record," meteorologist Professaur Emma Smith told The Independadont. "Three-quarters of plant and animal species may like to take precautions and avoid prolonged residence on the surface of the Earth unless absolutely necessary."

Conditions after the meteor impact are expected to remain unstable and hostile to most forms of life for a considerable period, but ministers have warned against fear-mongering.

The Department of the Environment has promised radical measures to deal with the comet impact, such as allowing predators to eat more meat and imposing a special tax for treading on proto-mammals, but ministers are against imposing a timetable because of potential interference with the basking season.

"The world has had major extinction events before and will have major extinction events in the future, and we've always got through them in the end," a government polyp said today.