The Curmudgeon


Sunday, May 26, 2019

The Father of Teeth

Text for today: Gingivitis cxlvii-clxix

Long before this, however, the Father of Teeth wandered the earth telling people his good news. He encountered a man who had made himself rich, but still found himself discontented as he quivered and twitched in his gold-plated bath-chair. The Father of Teeth told the rich man that he had neglected his soul, and this was the cause of all his unhappiness.

When the bodyguards threw him out by the servants' gate, the Father of Teeth encountered a leprous mendicant who felt uncomfortable with the mendicancy of his leprousness; the Father of Teeth told the leprous mendicant that stimulating the generosity of others is a noble and spiritual calling, and the leprous mendicant pelted the Father of Teeth with the seven dead rats which had been left in his begging-bowl so far that morning.

He was rescued by a woman who had lost her husband and nine children to a recent plague; the Father of Teeth told her that there were many others worse off than herself and that she should view her bereavements as a test of faith, whereupon she directed him down an alley where bandits were waiting. Despite the Father of Teeth having faith in their willingness to listen, they were not in a redeemable mood and the Father of Teeth had to bite his way out.

Driven from the city, the Father of Teeth encountered a hermit and told him he had neglected his fellow men. At this the hermit expostulated vehemently; as it turned out he had been the rich man, who had given away all his property and was now poor, so the Father of Teeth informed him that his charity would be wasted in a week and forgotten in a fortnight.

The hermit laughed, for he had thrown off all delusions save the delusion that a fleshly product of the material world could rise above the world and the flesh; and the Father of Teeth initiated the hermit into one of his own favourite Mysteries, informing him that the Creator's greatest joke on His victims was to give them the idea that they might somehow save themselves from their Creator's sense of humour.


  • At 5:24 pm , Anonymous Brian M said...

    "... the Creator's greatest joke on His victims was to give them the idea that they might somehow save themselves from their Creator's sense of humour."

    This is my quote of the month, Philip!


  • At 3:45 pm , Blogger Philip said...

    He does have a way of getting to the root of things, doesn't he. Even if it means a bit of scraping at the gums.

  • At 12:29 am , Anonymous Brian M said...

    Have you run across John Zande's Owner of All Infernal Names conceit? It's a very amusing mind game about an Omni-MALEVOLENT deity. Makes sense! I think you might enjoy it...and his style is just a bit like yours!

    Amazon has it, so if you can stomach giving money to one of the Crown Princes of Perdition, the money goes to animal rescue in Brazil. :)

  • At 7:50 pm , Blogger Philip said...

    Looks interesting, although going by what's visible on the Look Inside facility his proofreader is markedly inferior to mine.


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