Moderately Unacceptable

Contrary to squealing, purple-visaged, pram-crashing appearances, there are still a few moderate Conservatives lurking among the ruins of Tumbledown Tessie's party. Lord Heseltine is so moderate that he served with Norman Tebbit and Peter Lilley under the great one-nation prime minister who demolished the country's manufacturing base, denounced striking workers as the "enemy within" and passed Clause 28. Lord Heseltine is so moderate that the party has temporarily withdrawn the whip, although it remains to be seen whether it will be restored as quickly as if Lord Heseltine had said something racist.

Similarly moderate is a group of MPs which has recently launched a minifesto giving the rah-rah to "human rights, social responsibility and the fight against injustice;" the sincerity of the group's aspirations may perhaps be gauged by the membership of Amber Rudd, who has done so much for the Windrush generation and who has been known to advocate naming and shaming companies for employing too many foreigners. One of Rudd's fellow moderates, who is so moderate that she is still serving in Tumbledown Tessie's rabidly moderate government, has publicly disapproved of Boris Johnson's candidacy for coronation once the dead-eyed warden finally takes the hint. The former Imperial Haystack is an unacceptable candidate, according to Margot James, because he said "fuck business" when asked about corporate worries over the Recrudescent Imperium's approaching independence from the Euro-wogs. The lying, the racism, the demeaning of the office of Foreign Secretary, the eight years as mayor of London when he responded to illegal levels of air pollution by sitting back and fiddling with his taxpayer-funded vanity projects: all these are forgotten, forgiven or (as no doubt with the racism) positively praiseworthy to the moderate Conservative mind; but using bad language about the business community is simply not on.