Dependably Brilliant

Surprisingly, despite the glittering record of privatised utilities, privatised railways, privatised prisons and privatised health services, the privatised probation service has become less efficient and more expensive. Incredibly, the primary purpose of the probation service was originally to help prevent re-offending, but the millenarian patriotism of the present Government leaves no room for such lowly and uninspired functionalities. Remarkably, offenders under the new system tend to re-offend more often, and the number recalled to prison has gone up by nearly half, despite all offenders being subject to statutory supervision once they leave the punishment warehouse. Amazingly, despite a decade of cuts in such fripperies as drug rehabilitation, mental health services, housing and social security, offenders leaving the punishment warehouse tend to be confronted with difficulties in gaining necessary access to drug rehabilitation, mental health services, housing and social security. Astoundingly, the taxpayer will have the pleasure of repaying private companies for these improvements to the tune of five hundred million pounds. Astonishingly, the minister who shovelled the privatisation through in the first place was none other than the brilliant Chris Graybeing, whose tenure at the Department for Profitable Incarceration was also notable for his attempt to deprive prisoners of the opportunity to read books. Predictably, no-one is surprised.