The Curmudgeon

YOU'LL COME FOR THE CURSES. YOU'LL STAY FOR THE MUDGEONRY.

Sunday, April 28, 2019

The Father of Teeth

Text for today: I Pulp clxxix-clxxxviii

Before he could do so, however, the Father of Teeth was summoned to the equally halitotic bedside of a dying woman. She was one of the village's oldest inhabitants, with a considerable reputation for virtuous living and good advice, so naturally everyone was glad to see her go; unfortunately she was making a great deal of noise about the business, and people were beginning to worry that their chickens would stop laying.

The Father of Teeth entered the humble hut, where dangling and dented utensils resonated with the woman's annoyance. He laid the less knobbly of his hands upon her forehead, just where the veins bulged purplest; her gratitude, it seemed, was inexpressible. She had always been a great believer in the afterlife, and had always urged calm and serenity upon those about to enter into that eternal privilege; but she did not appear to appreciate receiving her own advice from the Father of Teeth, even when he quoted her word for word for paragraphs at a time.

Finally the Father of Teeth caused a glowing root canal to appear before her eyes, with a glitter of gold filling in its depths. At this the sufferer grew calm, and reached out with one hand as if trying to pull herself closer. Then her breathing ceased, her heart fell silent and her gaze froze upon a particularly resonant utensil, and several nervous chickens were spontaneously delivered of saleable produce.

The villagers buried the old woman with all necessary mumbles and threatened to put the image of the Father of Teeth at the very highest pinnacle of their ornately-carved local opinion pole. Since the love and appreciation of one's fellow human beings are without doubt a greater reward than cold hard cash, the Father of Teeth reminded them that humility is ever the wise man's lot, and departed the village burdened with purely material rewards.

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