Historical Abuses

It has been said that childhood Catholicism works like an inoculation, and the former Imperial Haystack has responded to the Conservative Party's latest bout of foaming and squalling with a careful emulation of one of the Church's more endearing moral characteristics. The former Haystack, whose mop has been cropped to something more like the sparse baby-strands of Winston the wilderness-bestriding wog-bomber, abandoned the faith of his mother in his youth, doubtless much to the chagrin of assorted father-confessors who missed hearing about his virtues. However, the urgent need to remind the Powers of his existence by grabbing a sordid headline has led the late Minister for Wogs Excluding Frogs and Huns to dismiss the process of investigating non-recent cases of child abuse "and all this malarkey" as a waste of money. There is, as we know, more joy in Heaven over a single repentant sinner than over any ninety-nine merely virtuous persons, so the new-found fiscal continence of the former mayor for pollution, garden bridges and water cannon will presumably bring a smile to the Virgin's face. Nevertheless, it remains as yet unclear whether the former Imperial Haystack plans to emulate Churchill by defecting twice, or whether he will rest content as a mirror image of the equally profound and compassionate Tony Blair; most likely the answer hinges on how much more good advice the Deity is prepared to absorb on the business of creating a world where cake can be both had and eaten.