Infernal Affairs

It seems that the Deity has a staff shortage on His hands, as many who would otherwise flock to the priesthood are choosing to marry rather than to burn with spiritual ardour. For its own part the management is opposed to any relaxation of the celibacy vow, regarding it as a "gift to the church" in return for the privilege of membership: what might be called a sacrificial cock. Unfortunately, even the rods of present staff are not always comfortably deployed; although the Vatican's compassionate heart is doubtless greatly gladdened at the number of priests who, while guilty of rape, sexual abuse and breaking the vow of celibacy, nevertheless retain sufficient strength of spirit to avoid the greater sin of contraception. It is unknown how many fathers have gone forth and multiplied, although one support group for those born the wrong side of the cassock has some fifty thousand users; and as far back as 2017 the Vatican drafted guidelines whose fundamental principle is, as one would expect, the "protection of the child" and certainly not the protection of the Church. Indeed, so selfless is the Church where its own remaining reputation is concerned that the guidelines cannot be made public, in case an unprotected child should suffer.