For Queen, Country and Capita

While a return to the glories of National Service (conscription, in Standard English) cannot be far away, the army has thus far had to content itself with privatising its recruitment process, with the predictable result that recruitment targets have not been met in any year since the profits started flowing in. Fortunately, a cunning plan is afoot to attract more millennial stereotypes, utilising the iconic imagery of Lord Kitchener's invitation to Messrs French and Haig's patriotic meat-grinder. The army proclaims that it sees people differently, much as it wishes itself to be seen as something that mostly carries out humanitarian missions to villages torn by the armies of lesser breeds. Meanwhile, the pubescent Minister for Wog-Bombing delivered an inspirational soundbite assuring a breathless nation that military service is a comradely adventure in upskilling for livability that should appeal to those "seeking to make a difference as part of an innovative and inclusive team" - in short, that cannon-fodder is corporate fodder just like anyone else. Still, given the likely state of the Recrudescent Imperium over the next few years, it is no doubt only reasonable that the organisation soon to be responsible for breaking strikes, putting down food riots and dealing forthrightly with enemies of the people should be allowed to present itself as a source of opportunity, stability and security.