Sajid Seizes the Day

Whatever else may be said about the present Minister for Wog Control, no-one could accuse him of lacking opportunism. With ministers resigning right and further right, and the dead-eyed warden maniacally clattering the gears of a leopard-printed JCB in order to dig herself a deeper hole, the compliant Sajid Javid has risen above the frenzied excavations and seen nothing more ominous than the chance to bury bad news. As might be expected, the news in question is simply that his department continues to be as efficient as ever: having blithely deported or detained an unknown number of Britons, the Home Office has now admitted that its efforts to determine that number have been somewhat compromised by the equally blithe classification of innocent people as criminals. A few of the victims have also had the bad sportsmanship to die in exile, thereby putting themselves beyond the reach even of the Ministry's most heartless deadheads, though predictably few citizens of nowhere seem very happy on their behalf. At the time of writing, the Government has lost the whining bully Dominic Raab and the Minister for Starvation and Incentivised Suicide, Esther McVey, along with a handful of still lesser organisms; should the jabbering homunculus Michael Gove receive instructions from Rupert to abandon the foundering plague-ship that is Tumbledown Tessie's cabinet, no doubt we may expect yet further compliant revelations.