Astounding Findings Amaze Experts

Experts amazed by astounding findings

Healthcare experts across the country have been astounded by the amazing revelation that spending vast sums on management consultants tends to reduce available resources for healthcare.

In a further astonishing development which instantly reduced gibbering pondlife to Health Ministry spokespersons, it also emerged that forcing health trusts to compete against one another resulted in further expense from duplication of effort.

"These are astounding revelations that have completely astounded us," said healthcare expert Bradley Ichneumon, of the Brown, Cameron and Clegg Serpentine Unguent management consultancy.

"It's going to take a lot of time and a lot of research to appropriately process these resultifications and forward-boot a model for re-dynamicised ongoingness," Dr Ichneumon said. "Mostly, it will take a lot of money."

Junior health minister Pudgey Gambit, who recently failed her 72-hour Wikipedia degree in brain surgery for the third time, said that there was no cause for undue concern as the findings had only occurred in the "real world".

"What is clear in all this is that further efficiency savings will have to be made," she said. "That's what every non-traitor agrees is most important about the NHS, and that's something we will never allow to change."