High Eels

To anyone who has witnessed the career of George Osborne, the detrimental effects of cocaine are by now familiar enough; but it seems that the problem extends to higher forms of life than the Bullingdon Club. Rivers and water systems including, surprisingly enough, those near the Houses of Parliament, have had their fatbergs and other morally acceptable pollutants spiced with illegal drugs, which are causing all manner of troubles in European eels. The hyperactivity induced by exposure to cocaine causes damage to gills and muscles and burns up the fat necessary for migration and breeding. Fortunately, since drug use is regarded not as a complicated social and public-health problem but simply as a matter of moral fibre, the solution is simple. If the drug-using migrant Euro-eels don't like it here, they can always just swim back home.