Give the Kids the Pick of Pips

Given the presence of little Gavin at the head of the Ministry for Wog-Bombing, it should come as no surprise that the army has again been caught using the stresses of GCSE results day in an attempt to recruit child soldiers. The army has been posting social media messages suggesting that disappointing grades be seen not as a setback but as an opportunity to improve oneself by riding quad bikes and finding somewhere to belong. Although the campaign is UK-wide, citizens of the northern powerhouse were of particular interest; it remains unclear whether the army would be able to supply enough quad bikes for those in areas where Field Marshal Graybeing has made it all quiet on the transport front. Potential poppy-seeds can apply to join the army at the age of fifteen years and seven months, although there is a cooling-off period for anyone who has the well-known and widespread adolescent talent for cooling off, and there is a six-month period after the first twenty-eight days when they can leave and explore other rich prospects among the food banks.